Every time you eat corn on the cob, a Native American cries. That’s why I will not spend Thanksgiving being thankful for agricultural techniques taught to us by a people that we then gave smallpox, but instead for those things which are truly important to me as a technologically impaired American – my VHS collection. Or more specifically, the mid-’90s children’s movies that make up the majority of it.

And in honor of American imperialism, I have scoured my extensive array of movies for food scenes that have made me thankful for things other than Native American tears and turkey massacres.

Problem Child 2

An innocent game of “fling things to the bride and groom during their reception speech” turns into an all out slimy-pizza-in-the-face brawl when John Ritter defends problem children Junior and Trixie by chucking food at the guests of honor. The kids scream, “Let’s get ’em!” and wage war on the helpless newlyweds.

Dinner rolls and spaghetti are thrown on the heart-shaped red silk chair and the crowd quickly erupts into an animalistic fervor, forcing a cowering Gilbert Gottfried off his own set. I am thankful they are not my kids.

Heavy Weights

Upon arrival to Camp Hope, Chipmunk bunk veterans immediately settle into their summer home by “downloading” salamis, candy buttons, Jolly Ranchers and chocolates into every hollow bunk bed frame and underground compartment in the place. As circus music plays in the background, there is a montage of “portly adolescents” rushing around the room, showing off briefcases of gummy goodies and coat linings filled with candy cigars.

This scene inspired my high school senior quote: “I’d live forever if I ate enough preservatives.” I am always thankful for gummies and deli meats.

D3: The Mighty Ducks

After months of back-and-forth pranks between Eden Hall’s freshman hockey team (basically, the Mighty Ducks) and the preppy jerks on varsity, it looks like a truce might be called. Varsity invites the Ducks out to dinner – claiming it’s “an Eden Hall tradition” – and they proceed to have a cordial dinner at a long table in what is probably a private banquet room at Ruth’s Chris Steak House.

The uncouth Ducks are stoked to be eating fancy and shop talking about knucklepuck techniques with former enemies when the varsity claims that have “one last surprise” and leave the room. The surprise: a pyrotechnic cake and the $850 bill!

They got you good, Ducks. I am thankful that I don’t trust my enemies.


Robin Williams, as an aging Peter Pan, sits down with his old cronies, the Lost Boys, for a feast of invisible food in the treehouse mess hall. Pan sees nothing but empty plates, demands steak and eggs and gets reamed by Rufio for being a “maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.”

More insults are hurled and then spoons of the invisible food, which – to the surprise of everyone – turns into blue and pink slime on Rufio’s face. With Peter Pan’s imagination back, the whole table fills up with roasted animals, guavas, giant cubes of cheese and bowls of the unidentifiable pastel glop, which everyone happily throws at each other until they are all covered in white, blue, pink, green and yellow goo, which probably smells horrible when it dries.

I am thankful for the band Rufio, may they rest in peace.

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