Dear Lucia,

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over five years. I’m very happy with her, but there is a problem I have been experiencing recently.

She has a life-shortening illness. I have known about this since about a year into our relationship and haven’t really thought much about it until lately.

I just turned 30 and started wondering how to handle our relationship. I do love her, but I am completely terrified about ending up single at 40-45 because of her illness. I’m afraid to be alone again but am also afraid of losing her.

I have found myself flirting with other women. It starts out as just innocent, friendly conversation and then escalates to actual flirting. Nothing has happened physically yet, but I am afraid to think what might happen in the future.

Am I a bad person for feeling this way? Should I put aside my feelings of fear and recommit myself, or should I think about moving on and reestablishing my life as a single person? Am I a bad person?
—Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty,
The fact that you’re asking if you are a bad person, tells me you’re not, otherwise, you wouldn’t even be asking that question. Let me reassure you, your feelings of guilt are normal. The compassionate part of you wants to stay, but your ego wants you to leave.

Even if you move on, you have no guarantee that you won’t end up single in your 40s anyway. You could get married, have it not work out and end up divorced.

There are no guarantees. You could be single at any time in your life.

The answer to your question lies in the famous quote: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” If you truly love her, then you will appreciate what time you do have with her and make the most of it.

Dearest Lucia,

I know it will seem confusing, but I’m also confused. My ex-boyfriend of two years says he loves me and wants me back. However, when I need help from him he always makes excuses such as he’s busy at work, working late, etc.
The other day I was working late, and I asked him to pick me up around 9 p.m. He said, “I can’t pick you up at that time of night. It is so late.” I was so disappointed.

What confuses me is that I don’t know what he wants from me. He should be there for me when I need him.

Also, I met this new guy, and the problem with him is that he wants me to visit his place. I am scared he wants to have sex with me, and I’m not ready for that.
He told me he understands and is not looking at me like a sex object. He said he loves me, and he just wants to spend time with me.
What scares me is that if I visit his place, we may both lose control and have sex. I feel him so much, but I don’t want to have sex with him yet.


Dear Marie,

You’re getting two for the price of one today. Your first situation is really not confusing at all, if you look at what he does instead of what he says.

He says he loves you and wants you back, but he’s unwilling to go out of his way for you. What kind of boyfriend is that? What kind of husband would he make?

Whatever he wants from you, he’s not willing to give much in return. I know it’s flattering when an ex wants you back, but in this case, this is one ex you should X out of your life.
As for the second guy, the answer is obviously not to go to his place. Do not be alone with him in private until you’re ready to have sex.

Write to Lucia at

Read an excerpt from Lucia’s Lessons of Love at

Listen to Lucia live every Sunday at 3 p.m. PST on

Remember: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.