With over 20 years experience on the relationship market, Lucia has dated men of all nationalities in six cities, four countries and two continents. Her practical know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense relationship advice – after all, in almost every dating dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell about it.
WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL?
Dear Lucia,
I know I made a stupid mistake but what shall I do? I totally screwed up. I went
out twice with a guy and we French-kissed. He’s always busy traveling and
didn’t call.
When I called him a week later I said stupid stuff like, "Even the president
has time to call." He told me he’s not "a relationship kind of
guy." He also said his ex-girlfriend sometimes goes to his place to water
his plants when he’s away.
I want to see him again, without any strings attached. How do I do it? Do I need
to wait three months to see him again?
—Dorothy K.
Dear Dorothy,
First of all, I’m glad you realize you made a mistake. I’m of course
referring to calling him and then making that president comment. Anyone that is
a regular reader of this column will remember my "10 things you should never
say to a guy" list. One of the 10 is "Why didn’t you call?"
Now you see why asking that question never works. The answer is always "Because
he didn’t want to." What you’re really asking is "Why didn’t
you want to call?" It’s too soon to be wondering that. All you’ve
done is lock lips.
Don’t fall into that silly female habit of trying to move things along too
quickly because it rarely works. When you prematurely try to take one step forward,
the guy will instead take one step back. This is what he did when he told you
he wasn’t a relationship kind of guy. What he means is that he doesn’t
want to have a relationship with YOU! If he isn’t a "relationship guy,"
how does he explain having an ex-girlfriend? He’s trying to put the brakes
on because, at the moment, he hardly knows you and he certainly doesn’t need
some girl calling him to find out why he didn’t call.
Finally, you say you want to see him again with no strings attached. I say you
want to see him again and pretend that there are no strings attached. You and
I both know you want more. But OK, I’ll play along. Since he felt forced
to make that "no relationship" statement, you’ve now painted yourself
into a corner. What to do? I would say wait a month and see if he calls you again.
If he does, don’t mention getting together. If he asks you out, don’t
say yes right away. Tell him you’ll need to get back to him. This is your
way of taking one step back. (In case you hadn’t noticed, dating is a lot
like a game of "Simon Says"). When you do go out, you need to casually
slip into the conversation that you’re just looking for a casual relationship
(not necessarily with him, but in general). See how he reacts to that and go from
there.
If, however, you don’t hear from him in a month, call and leave a message
saying hello. If he’s interested, he’ll call back at some point, though
it may not be right away. If he answers, do the same thing, keep the conversation
light and get off the phone in five minutes. Don’t ask him to get together.
He needs to ask you out if he’s interested, otherwise you’ll be taking
one step forward again, while he’s still two steps back. Understand?
Now, go forth and do not ever again commit the sin of asking, "Why didn’t
you call?"
REMEMBER: Love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.
Watch Lucia’s show, "The Art of Love," on the Comcast Public Access Channel (24) on Wednesday, March 30 at 9 p.m. The topic: Red Flags (Part 2).
Write to Lucia at: http://www.theartoflove.net.
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