Dear Lucia,

I broke up recently with a long distance relationship that I had with a guy for over a year. We love each other, but it simply cannot be because he lives in another country.

I decided to go online again and meet some other guys. I don’t go out that much so I’d rather hook up in a chat room sometimes. I know that it is not easy to find a nice guy online these days, but I’m willing to give it a try again.

I met this guy online about a week ago. He lives in New York, and I live in Florida. We both are Hispanic; we both like that special Latin vibe that we have, so we clicked instantly.

He has his job, lives on his own, never been married, no kids, has his life altogether. I like that in a guy because I’m an independent woman with a 13-year-old child, and I’m looking for someone independent as well, who also likes kids and/or wants them, and he’s like that.

We’ve been talking already about sex and things that we like and such; he likes me very much, and since he saw my pictures and saw me on webcam, he’s been talking about coming down to Florida to visit me.  

I’m a big girl, and he loves big women. He says that he would like to have something with me. Of course I know that he means sex.

I like him very much too, and I feel very attracted to him. I don’t believe that he will come to visit since long ago someone did the same and by the date he was supposed to travel he came up with a stupid excuse so I dumped him. I want to believe in this guy since I really want to meet him.

If he comes, he’s obviously doing it because he wants to have sex with me. Should I let him come down here and have sex? Is it too soon? I want to act the opposite to how I have always been, like trying to be friends first even if I like the guy for something else.

However, this time I want to have sex with someone I like that much, like him. Is it wrong to start maybe a good relationship with a guy? What if I want something serious with him, should I tell him? What if he tells me that he wants something serious afterwards?

While this has been happening with this guy, I can’t stop thinking of my ex boyfriend. Does that mean that I should not get into another relationship yet? Should I try and meet more guys besides this new one?

I’ve been with no sexual partner since I was faithful to my long distance guy, so I really want to hook up with someone at least living here in the United States, and he looks like a good chance.

Please tell me, what do you think? I really want to know your advice in this situation.

—Horny Big Woman

Dear Horny,

You’re all over the place. I think it’s the hormones talking.

In one sentence you say you want to do things differently and become friends with a guy first, and in the next you say you want to have sex when the guy from New York comes down. What do you want: sex or a relationship?

Generally, if you start with sex, you have no foundation of friendship to build on, and therefore a relationship can’t develop. Also, keep in mind that the part of the brain that wants sex is instinctual and is not the same part that falls in love and wants a relationship.

The bigger question is why you only seem to be interested in guys who live thousands of miles away. Are you trying to avoid true intimacy by not choosing someone in the same city?

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what it is you’re really looking for. Somehow, I don’t think it’s sex.

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