Dear Lucia,

I recently met a man who is 10 years younger, very savvy, attentive, full of energy and successful. He was very upfront about being very interested and sincere and asked me out. I said I had plans that day but would be available another day. After that he couldn’t find the time.

I have known two older men who treated me horrendously and had no energy. I mentioned this to him, as I didn’t want the same thing from him. There was loads of attraction on both sides, great sizzling e-mails wanting to do the boyfriend/girlfriend scenario (his idea).

However, he has recently made a complete turnaround from extremely sizzling to extremely cold-hearted. When I tried to call to wish him a happy birthday I got a gruff, “I’m in a meeting.” When I mentioned buying him a fish for his exotic fish tank, I got a foul reaction saying, “You can’t afford it, but I can!”

At first he wanted to take me to dinner, but then it was, “You don’t want dinner do you?” as though I’m not good enough. He also mentioned he was a manipulator which was not what I read.

I was kind, friendly, tried to be compassionate and warm, mentioned I do have good values and like to wait for a good thing. He said, “I’m busy and will be busy for at least 20 months plus,” whereas he seemed to have the time before!

It was difficult to pinpoint him (switched his phone off). I can’t get to know someone in a couple of weeks of conversation, which was mainly X-rated.

Do I continually self sabotage since I didn’t say yes straight away? I was expecting something better from a younger guy with no cynicism and so much life.

I just got the same as the older blokes (which I know I am not suited to). How can I be so wrong?

I hope you may be able to shed some light on where I have gone wrong, as he seemed completely upfront. He mentioned he wanted to share himself and his home with someone, yet he jumped around by being great one moment and cruel the next.

Am I the perennial sucker! I am very disillusioned and my self-esteem has plummeted to an all time low.


Hi Ann,

Please pick up your self-esteem. You didn’t do anything wrong, except not see all the red flags.

I don’t care what this guy said about wanting a relationship and someone to share his home. Don’t look at what a guy says, look at what he does. If you had simply looked at his actions, you would not have missed the flags.

The only time you should look at what a guy says is when his conversation is X-rated. That immediately tells you he’s just looking for sex. A man who is interested in you is not going to risk offending you by talking like that, especially if he hardly knows you.

This guy is not looking for a relationship – at least not with you. Forget him!

Dear Lucia,

My pastor is also a neighbor. I sent a card as a neighborly gesture, asking to meet for coffee.

When we met up, he asked me if I like being alone. I said yes, when in reality, I would like a family.

I am thinking that when I go to the next prayer meeting, I should pray out loud for a mate so he can hear. Is that the wrong thing to do?

I would like to see him again. Should I ask him out or should I let him do that?


Dear Julie,

You should have been honest and said you get lonely and would like to have a family one day. That would have been a way to bond.

You can certainly ask for a mate at the next meeting, however, in terms of asking him out again, you’ve already made the first move. The next one is up to him.

If he’s interested, he’ll ask. If not, then try to become friends and see where that goes.

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