Ah, sweet sheep love. If you’re a vampire looking to kick the habit of eating the ones you love, then animal blood is the only way to go, and for one unfortunate protagonist, sheep blood is the pick of the litter.

Courtesy of a 12-Step Program, our hero Vic finds himself on the lam(b), forced to subsist on a wholly wooly diet after draining his girlfriend of her vital juices in a necking session gone askew. Weeping, he calls VA to turn him from his life of bloodsucking to one that just sucks. VA sends Vic undercover to North Carolina to waste away with sheepshaggers and the local all-state high school football team, 10 years removed from Friday Night Lights.

But things get complicated when Vic meets tasty all-American morsel Maggie. He kills her ex for dancing with her too roughly, eyes her tasty neck and eventually ties her to a chair for some light bondage relief. It turns out to be a love story.

Intermittently, we have Vic’s sponsor, played by Michael Madsen, alternately enforcing and undermining the conviction of beating addiction. The best scene has him in zebra stripe pajamas, baring his fangs in the mirror (which casts his reflection), only to be chewed out by his wife for having a gun in the house!

The haps: Four measly deaths, no boobs (barely any cleavage, even), lots of sheep raping, no good human sex, one sexy babe in the whole lot. We don’t cringe thinking back on this one: One and a half nipple clamps. See it tonight.

Think you’ve seen something worse or seen something at the video store you don’t have the guts to rent? Send in any requests that aren’t Manos Hands of Fate to k_henryv@yahoo.com, and we’ll brave the rapids.