As a frequent contributor to Campus Circle, one would assume I’d have no problem picking up ladies. One would be mistaken. While cocking my head towards a stack of water-soaked newsprint while waiting in line at the New Beverly with a, "I write for them," has gotten me a few raised tweaked-eyebrows, it has yet to result in any verifiable "hooking up."
Figuring that eventually everyone in America would be on a reality show, I chose
to take my sabbatical in October and became a contestant on the social experiment
"Beauty and the Geek 2."
I was not the beauty.
Currently airing on the WB Thursdays at 9 p.m. following "Smallville"
(Watch Superman then watch a bunch of Clark Kents without any super-powers), "Beauty
and the Geek" pairs eight "brilliant but socially challenged men"
with eight beautiful but-in-need-of-a-mental-makeover women. Each mismatched pair
undergoes a series of challenges to determine who, ultimately, has created the
perfect homeostasis of beauty and geek. "Beaugeek" as I liked to call
it. (I was the only one.)
Though unable to reveal anything from upcoming episodes, Id like to take
this opportunity to offer advice some personal, some observed that
I experienced while a contestant. These musings are intended for geeks interested
in pursuing beauties, beauties interested in pursuing geeks, and everyone who
will eventually be on a reality show.
(And P.S. The title the show places under my name: Museum Critic? That would be
the "Exhibitions" column in Campus Circle, a feature I dont mind
bragging I created.)
If you are a Geek interested in picking up women, get a hot tub and surround it
with alcohol. If reality shows have taught us nothing else (and they havent)
its to throw alcohol at stagnant/boring situations. The beer-commercial
mentality. I can only assume that the first producers of reality shows were ex-Frat
Boys. Alcohol + hot tubs = sexual tension and hilarity. Unless youre like
me and dont drink and are too ashamed to disrobe and enter a Jacuzzi.
For those who have seen the first episode of "Beauty and the Geek",
take the advice my partner, Cher, gave me and refrain from wearing terry-cloth
shirts on a hot summer day. In fact, refrain from wearing terry-cloth shirts on
any day. (Though I did offer the use of my shirt as a towel for those who chose
to take a dip in the hot tub.)
I cant fathom why Im one of the few males in Los Angeles that carries
around a murse (man-purse; I thought of adding more syllables, but manuruse sounded
even worse.) I cant tell you how many times the Beauties had me dig in it
for the Imodium, Pepto, Tylenol, Tums and air-sickness bag I carried with me at
all times. Literally cant tell you I signed a contract.
No one (Danielle especially) likes to hear the word puke or vomit instead,
find cuter ways of discussing your abdominal problems, e.g., "Being around
attractive women makes me swallow in reverse" or "My stomachs
about to revolt."
Another truism learned on the first episode: When a woman asks you stay the night
in her room, she means in the actual room not in the storage closet. However,
should you find yourself amongst hangers, I recommend sleeping on Converse and/or
Crocs; Manalo Blahnik stilettos are bad for the back and lower spine.
Togas were made for John Belushi
and maybe Caligula. They were not made
for hairy and/or malnourished pale-skinned geeks.
A line not to use: "Youre really pretty really pretty [expletive
While in a museum, refrain from using the pick-up line "that Lucian Freud
paintings not the only thing in here thats well hung." Also,
abstain from repeating the story of using this pick-up line over breakfast. The
only thing worse than seeing the reaction of the woman I used it on at MOCA was
Brittanys face as I explained to her what it meant.
Do not read the message boards. These foul temptresses, these sirens of the internet,
will entice you with their sweet song only to have you shipwreck on the crags
of misspelled meanderings by a 12-year-old. Of course, I also cried at Babe: Pig
in ihe City, so this may just be me. Seriously, even those posts that look like
someone passed out drunk on their keyboard and hit send can induce ocular vomiting.
Youll be tempted to write back a series of expletives that the WB message
board administrators will just delete anyway. (You cant delete them all!)
Im often asked why I chose to do the show in the first place, especially
with my penchant for swallowing-in-reverse around attractive women. Before, during,
and after the show I attempt to live by the adage: Dont worry about failing,
worry about the chances you miss by not trying. Living by this maxim guarantees
youll only spend 2-3 hours ruminating about what you should have done differently
during the day as you try and fall asleep at night instead of the usual 3-5 hours.
Remember, nothing important was ever achieved without someones taking a
Couching your insults in laughter doesnt hide the fact that theyre
still insults: e.g., chuckling while saying, "Youll think this is funny
when I first met you girls I thought, Wow. These women shouldnt
be wearing high heels without helmets!" Whether or not they show Cher
wrestling me to the ground remains to be seen.
Sometimes people will appear to be jerks. Then youll dig a bit deeper and
realize that, no, theyre actually nice. Then youll dig even deeper
and realize, nope, you were right the first time they are jerks.
Geeks are obsessive about Star Wars, "Adult Swim", "The Simpsons",
Comic Books and love. To all you good looking ladies out there who only
date a certain type of (tall) men, I say: let them be talented, let them be tall,
let them be handsome
and let them love you less.
Just because a stuffed-animal bear is cute on a bed does not mean its cuteness
will translate if its stapled to a wall. (I swear, there was method to my
madness. Watch Episode 3 where its hopefully explained.)
I personally go after girls who are the forbidden fruit. After being on "Geek,"
Id say leave yourself open to any fruit from pear to kiwi. Hell,
even go after forbidden and non-forbidden vegetables. Again, remember that adage
about not worrying about failing.
Beautiful women are just as anxious and neurotic about themselves as the geeks
they just have a nicer veneer to hide it behind. But break through that
veneer, and youll often find your initial instinct was correct as theyre
as vapid as a black hole. But sometimes youll be pleasantly surprised.
Id usually say "Be Yourself," unless youre a jerk or a Republican,
in which case Id recommend you try being someone else. No, actually most
people can see through a false persona and the women on the show were quite adept
at doing so; Really, whats the purpose of selling out if no ones buying?
Be the person you want to be, not the person people expect you to be. Unless you
signed a contract telling the producers youd be anyone they wanted you to
be (Kidding, Ashton!).
"Beauty and the Geek 2" airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on the WB.
Film: Special Features [Beauty and the Geek 2]
Beauty and the Geek 2: Reality TV Bites Our Own Josh Herman
By Josh Herman
Article posted on 1/23/2006
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