My problem is that people sometimes said to me, "Your penis size is questionable," or even that it’s "small." In reality, my penis is pretty small. I feel like this is the reason why women don’t want me. What can I do?

—Trafton, Pico Rivera

The Walkmen: Women don’t want you because you are writing in to newspapers about your penis size, and it sounds like you’re whipping it out as some sort of conversation starter. I say cut your losses, cut it off, and make the best of your new life.

Love Doc: There’s not a lot you can do, unless you purchase the Swedish-made penis enlarger pump (contact Austin Powers, although he may deny that it’s his). Look, if you have a small penis, just work with it. There are tons of ways to make a girl happy in bed and playthings that you can add to your lovemaking and drive a girl wild. Trust me, girls will enjoy your creativity.

It’s also a reality that many girls have a hard time "seeing the mountaintop" with a penis alone (no matter how large) so stop comparing your size to other guys. Like I said, there are oral or other ways to make a girl happy, so don’t use the "small penis" excuse as a crux for your feelings of inferiority.

I met this great guy who invited me to his house party. Unfortunately, I drank too much that night and ended up passing out on his couch. His parents came home and found out what happened. They were nice when I met them, but I feel like I gave a bad first impression. Do you think I ruined my chances with this great guy?

—Julie, Westwood

The Walkmen: I think your chances were probably ruined by the time you passed out at his house. Sounds like someone was looking for action and sparks weren’t exactly flying by the time you all retired. Or, if they were, it doesn’t sound like things were exactly Fred and Ginger over there.

Next time this dirt bag will know to scout for a less boozy babe to drag home for a little late night romp ... I’m sure he’s learned his sorry lesson. As for the parents, who the hell do they think they are barging in like that? I say cut your losses and never speak to him – or them – again. Avoid the house and his friends. Trust me, they’re all only trying to get in your pants anyhow.

Love Doc: If this guy still wants to date you, just be on your best behavior when you meet his parents the next time around. Who knows, he may bring so many girls home to meet his parents that they may not even remember the incident! First impressions are tough all around, but most people will give others a second chance, so don’t trip on it too much.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and things are pretty good, except for one thing. He has a problem with looking at Internet porn. It bothers me that he needs to see those disgusting pictures when he has me. How can I get him to stop?

—Yolanda, Culver City

The Walkmen: You COULD computerize a picture of his mother’s head on some unspeakable picture, contact the owner of his favorite porn site, and have it posted for a small fee. I imagine these guys are willing to bargain.

Otherwise, maybe you should get into it more than him. Scare him off with your enthusiasm, persistence and thirst for something more outrageous. If that doesn’t work, maybe the hard work will pay off and you’ll start enjoying porn yourself. Shit, I don’t know.

Love Doc: There are lots of guys who like or need porn to sexually entertain themselves, and if their girlfriends don’t like it, they usually keep the secret stash. Look, it’s a primal thing. Guys often like visual stimulation to get sexually aroused (or lots of beer) and girls often like mental stimulation, like good conversation (or lots of fruity chick drinks) before they can get in the mood.

How about renting some porn that you can watch together? Give it a try, you should both enjoy the results.

The Walkmen’s Bows & Arrows is currently available. The Walkmen will be appearing with Cake on Nov. 18 at the Universal Amphitheatre in Universal City. For more information, visit www.bowsandarrows.net.

Campus Circle or our special guests are not responsible for the results of taking our advice, nor do we claim to know anything. We just think it’s fun to give random strangers advice.